Brand New Dictionary Definitions


iPeoiaud (n.) – generic device to be found dangling from the ears or hanging out of the pocket of some ultra-attractive alpha person, which makes the wearer feel very happy and content with their life.

iPhad (n.) – trend for the latest technological electronic device to add to one’s personal body armoury of cables, wires, screens and earplugs, without which life would be impossible.

iJone (n.) – a generic technological gadget available to purchase in stylish black or white with one’s Christmas bonus that allows one to feel socially on a par with, or superior to, one’s social competitors/peer group. Plural iJones.

iGlare (n.) – the look of rapture and intense excitement I have on my face as you pull out your latest iJone mid-conversation to show off its like amayyyyzing features and cool apps. “Like, FASC-in-a-ting.”

iZone (n.) – area in the home that used to be given over for conversation and asking how you are getting on (such as the kitchen table or dining room), but which is now silenced by the tapping of fingers on iPhad gadgets and the scrolling of menus on iJones.

iGrid (n.) – the vast power supply packs, generators, servers and air-conditioning units that modern iPeoiaud users must each individually transport with them when travelling abroad or to the country to power up all their iJones, without which, life cannot continue. As in, “Have you packed the wellies? Yes. Have you packed the waterproofs? Yes. Food? Yes. Oh wait! We haven’t left any room in the car boot for the iGrid!”

iBone (n.) – type of magnetic autoslave chip inserted under the skin of iPeoiaud shoppers on completion of their first purchase, that makes the shopper keep coming back panting slavishly for more six weeks prior to the release date of every new iPhad.

iGod (n.) – Steve Jobs. Religious leader of the 21st century, with a massive following of Appleists and Apple Witnesses who make pilgrimages every 12 months to one of the holy sites where they queue for days kneeling and worshipping before handing over some monetary offering to their deity.

It’s a funny old world…



1 Comment

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